Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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