Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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