my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize