turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's official drugs can't kill me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
