Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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