I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
