Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
