And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
