giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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