I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
