I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
