Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize