I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
