So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
