I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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