Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
did you just send me my own nude
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
