Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
