im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
