If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
