Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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