Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
