I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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