yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
