Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
