Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
