I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Randomize
