there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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