I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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