I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
