That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
