You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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