hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize