I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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