walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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