Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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