i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
