Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
