shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
