No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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