Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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