I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
