You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
