My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
