I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
