I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We need a shit load of segways right now
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
