I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
