I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
