I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
