i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
