so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
