Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
