dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
honey bunches of taint.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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