All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
