omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
