omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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