don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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